Just ask.

Since I don't have a TV or anything in my room to really keep up to date with what's going on in the outside world. I've resulted myself to shorts and listening to songs on IMEEM. As I'm doing this and remembering old songs and just randomly contributing music that I haven't heard in a long time on my MYSPACE playlist, all I can think about is what certain people might think of my song selections. Even though in the end, I really don't care because they can just ask, but I'm ready for anything to come.

One thing that I've noticed is that I dwell in the past a lot and I'm not too sure if this is a huge flaw or just that I find a lot of things to be sentimental. I do a lot of personal evaluations if anything and it's really only to see if I'm being a good friend to someone or not. Some things I notice is that I interrupt others a lot and I tend to switch up the conversation so that it's one of those "Mr. Me Too" moments and I think I really should hold my tongue and give someone the floor for once. I sometimes blame the guys that I've been with who lack the response of asking me questions in return of my conversation making attempts. An example would be that I would ask him what he's up to or what do they think about something and if I don't get that "so what about you?" then I won't say anything because I always get that feeling that, to them, it's one of those "why are you telling me? I didn't ask." Yup… this is why I'm surprised that the friends who I still have around are still able to hang out with me and listen to me ramble on about things all the time.

Perhaps it's because I don't think my life at the moment is interesting enough to really talk to someone about how I'm feeling at the moment about things. Thus, I would result to just talking about things that are unrelated to me and something that's neutral and both sides can contribute to: life and experiences in general.

Maybe it's just me and I'm not implying my talks with anyone is boring, but I would think that my friends would prefer to be out and doing other things than just sitting around with me and not doing anything but talk with me about things all the time.

One of the things that guys hate the most, I've noticed and realized, is the talk of the ex-boyfriends or referencing the things that I've done in the past with my ex-boyfriends. I know it can get really annoying to hear me say "yeah when I was with my ex / that's what my ex said / I remember when he (my ex) used to do that to me, and I hated it because" and all that stuff. That's what I need to also stop, because it's not that I'm thinking of them like I want to be with them. It's both the good and bad times that I remember and I choose to remember what I want to remember so just because I remember how I felt when I was treated a certain way it doesn't necessarily mean that I wish to be with that person again. It's to show that I don't want to be treated like that again or that I miss that feeling not the person.

For all of the things that I've talked about in regards to my flaws, I'm really not trying to fish for compliments nor am I beating myself up over any of this. I just hope that people realize that I do notice my flaws and my habits. But because of my several unsuccessful attempts to be in a relationship and especially the last relationship that I was in for 9 months resulted in both of us losing interest for each other… I can't help but to really think that I'm really not an interesting person. I mean… for now, with the people who I get to hang out with and just sharing some laughs… I can't help but wonder how long before they start getting bored of me and just realize that this moment of bliss will only be lasting this long before I start running out of things to talk about?

Well what about the ones who have been friends with me ever since middle school, high school, or those back at home who have been friends with you for the past years? Here's what I think. It's because I don't have to see them every day and that's what contributes to our fun conversations. I talk to them days, weeks, or even months at a time so of course there will always be things to talk about. So of course our talks can't really die out.

At least that's what I think.

Some things I've heard about me lately have been too surreal and I really don't want to be seen in a light that's different than others. I don't think that I'm someone who's hard to approach. The majorities of my good friends right now have started with me and them just messaging each other randomly on myspace, aim, or just through a text and almost all of them have grown into something better. I'm always hesitant to message others because I think they're busy or something and I can understand if this is the case with others when they want to message me but seriously… just ask me or message me. I'm always down to catch up. I don't expect people messaging me after reading this long blog but just by hopeful thinking, perhaps it'll happen.

Other notes:

I just got invited to watch the fight tonight at someone's place so I will be talking about that fight along with XMEN origins soon.

I just finished one final and I have two more finals to work on before I get started on cramming for my in class final next Tuesday.

Everyone's twitters and MYSPACE statuses are so negative right now and seriously, I've read the word frustrated about 10 times already… iono what's going on but it seems contagious.

Feel better, world.