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"tell me why" this makes me cry, though? (i'm jk. i'm just mocking people who say 'tell me why' a lot)

but yeah, i hope to get a new camera soon so that I can start recording my summer break in SoCal and showing my Stockton/NorCal friends and family how I'm doing and everything.



Just watching this video though made me miss my friends and family and just the wishful thinking that one day I'll have a huge family and a loving relationship with someone for 60 years =) i can't help but to remember overhearing my mom talking to her friend on the phone about wondering how much fun it'd be to have a huge family with all of the kids coming home for christmas... imagining a single mother wishing for something like that for her family of three kids... how can i not promise to give her something like that to look forward to later on in the years?

I believe that I have the potential to do more and make the most out of what I can as well as the time that I do have wherever and whenever I am given the opportunity but I can't wait til the day when I can show my mom that being away from home for the past five years has really helped me grow into someone she can trust further with the responsibilities she needs around the house. She shouldn't have to be the single mother having to deal with everything herself and not being able to get the support that she deserves. What makes me really sad at the moment is that it's Mother's Day soon and I won't be able to be there for her to show her how amazing she really is to go twenty years living in America without being with her family who are all in Vietnam.

You think I'm crazy to move away for five years hoping to do more with my life for my family? Try fleeing the war in Vietnam at the age of 18, pregnant, no family other than the man who promises to give you everything, only to see that years later he cheats on you and leaves. Now you're now left with three kids to take care of in city where you're not familiar with the language still and having to rely on yourself--no college degree, not being able to speak english really well, and just pulling through while avoiding the neighborhood drama and probing questions and gossip. ugh... so much that she has to go through. my mom is my hero and I wish that I can be just like her and even though I don't think her life sucks, I just want to show her that I'm able to pull through as well.

Throughout the years, she's been able to meet and share conversations with my past boyfriends and really getting to love a few of them. It's just too disappointing to talk to her about someone and then talking to her again letting her know that it didn't work out.

I've turned this blog into something related to boys again--ugh. I'm sorry. I just don't want to be in that position again to have to tell my mom about someone, because in a sense, she is one of my best friends, and then let her know once again that things aren't working out.

Out of all of my best friend's comments and questions though, whenever my mom specifically ask me about a certain person in my past relationships, I really do take it to heart that he did play an important role in my life... it has definitely hit me that he stood out the most in her eyes. How unfortunate is that for me to hear though cuz I can't do anything about it.

Sometimes I like to hear how he says that my siblings are like his own and I love how my siblings can still talk to him and joke with him whenever he is around. Even my dad loves him and remembers him. It sure doesn't help the situation though.

I've yet to find another and it may be unfortunate at the moment because I don't think I'll allow myself to really get attached to anyone like I was able to back then. Too scared to disappoint my mom. Too insecure to allow anyone to really get to know the things that I've been through esp. when they believe that we've gotten really close and what not. Strong enough to take on any legal and physical challenges, but I can't deal with any emotional attachments and make any promises right now.

I can't wait to hug my mom in two weeks.