Last Final

Just some things in my head I wanted to clear up before I start thinking about it during my final--

i like how i have to remind people all the time that i'm studying for a final tomorrow and i still get phone calls. it's as if the first time i told people, it wasn't enough to convince them that hey! i'm not lying... i seriously have a final to study for but i get these ever so sweet messages...

• i just want to talk to you before i go to sleep
• hey, i just haven't seen you around, just wondering if you wanted to hang out for a little bit
• you need a break, go eat with me
• i just wanted to talk to you about something that happened to me last night about this girl...

yes... as much as I do want to talk. I have already been nice and let people know that I'm going to be busy with things and... well i don't know, i just thought maybe... uh... people have the respect to give me my space to study rather than try and be that sweet person to take my away from my misery of studying so hard or whatever it is.

am i taking these nice people's attempts to just 'help me' for granted? it may seem like it but the attempts are too cute for my taste and we all know that too much exposure to "cute" things lead to disgusts and it gets tiresome... how many times does someone want to be reminded that they're sweet and cute?

on the other hand, if you were really trying to make me feel better, you would've done it already with your first sentence rather than wasting my time with a question. if you're going to get my attention, you better get at it with the first comment. And i'm hoping this self-centeredness will encourage people to not even try if they've already failed because really... it's not gonna be the same.

maybe i sound like a bitch because i want to be one at the moment. I just wanted a day or two to myself... even anything that can turn my attention away from carrying on a conversation with anybody.

it's just really annoying to ignore someone's phone call.. then get facebook messages from them... and then attempts to talk to me on aim... after i told them all last week + over the weekend that i need to study for an exam.

you know what sucks?

it all started with just one day of hanging out with someone. in my mind... i'm only going to be in NorCal for a year, even less than that. I just want to hang out with each person and share something with them so that we have something to look back on and just cherish it. i'm happy that with those who I've spent a day with already are happy as well with how much fun we had but if everyone who i choose to have a "last day" together with keeps messaging me day after day... through texts... phone calls... myspace messages.... comments... all that and more i think i'm going to go crazy and if anything at all, this is what i meant when i told someone that bringing anything up real soon just kills the memory of it ever happening... that inside joke that we once had is now being brought up EVERY TIME WE TALK totally just does the opposite of wanting to remember that special moment or time... it gets annoying to the point where i want to repress it. so GOOD JOB if that's what you were going for.

i think... this has happened way too much for me for me to really admit to it now. the past boyfriends have been the same... it's because I've been really nice and let them in for just one day. just did one thing nice for them just as a friend... and they keep coming back.

let's look back but in no chronological order of guy friends or ex boyfriends that have become attached after just one day of hanging out:

- he was tired so since my room was closest to his last class, i offered him my bed so when i shared my room with a roommate so he was sleeping and we talked while i was studying on my desk

- my family and i were having a night run at the beach and since i was leaving to college soon, i thought i'd ask him to come with me along with my siblings and all of their friends so we can kick it since our schedules never worked out

- we had a late night aim conversation because he had a member of his family die recently so i was just talking to him and making sure he was ok

- he was drunk and walking around campus hungry because he ran out of meal plan money to get food, so we walked to a nearby restaurant and met up with a friend to eat

- we were up just joking around through aim while i was helping him design a flier for one of his parties

- i went to his piano recital to show support yeah seriously that's all that took for this guy

- we shot pool afterschool

geez just other ridiculous things that to me... it's just having fun and a good time and all of a sudden it turns into these awkward situations and I think I know now to better stop myself before I get into another situation where I'm just dating someone because I feel sorry for them or because I simply feel bad if i totally reject them.

this seriously reminds me of 8th grade.

i'm not sure if guys would rather settle for being my boyfriend for half a day and be in that situation where I have to face them and tell them, "hey sorry, I can't do this but I'm dating you out of pity... I should've just told you that I just felt really bad for you and just how everyone else was treating you"

yeah? don't believe it? ask the guy who I had to tell this to during lunch time at the basketball court in middle school. yup. that's how it went down.

so please.. please.. just give me my space... let me pack to go home to SoCal for the summer after my final. realize that I'm still working on the clock and I need to check people out of their rooms and collect their paperwork and keys. I still need to figure out my financial aid for the summer, book my car to go home, figure out how i can finish my last few paperworks needed at work by this thursday, squeeze in traffic school by the 17th and mail it into the courthouse in stockton, and still figure out how i'm going to find a dress as well as making a mask to get ready for this thursday's dinner banquet for Pacific's Housing & Greek Life Department... not to brag that i'm "cool" with a life and what the crap ever you fools think you can say to put me down with but I'm just emphasizing how i'm needing my space even after my final.

i don't make plans.
i don't do dates.
i don't get pretty and pamper myself for nobody else but to boost my own self-esteem.

worry about yourself before you get sweet and think that you have the time to worry about me.

if you're not happy with how you are right now, how do you expect to make someone else happy?

even if you try, you know you're not gonna be fully happy with yourself if you keep thinking you're not happy with life... so why even try?

and if you're happy enough with how you are, then sure... give me a call and we'll grab a snack randomly BUT NOT EVERY DAMN DAY OR HOUR.

i don't care if you this is a cop out because i'm talking to anyone indirectly, if you want me to say it to your face or even ask me about this, then just be ready. kind of a harmless threat i kind of made... doesn't it seem like?

yeah... regular posting from the nicer side of cyndy after all of this craziness is over.

movie statuses:

star trek
ghosts of girlfriends past
21
sweeney todd
iron man
wanted

- - -
ugh one last thing

i am not anyone's comfort food.
i am not anyone's cuddle buddy.
& i am definitely not amused.
- - -

i understand that there are people out there who may not have anyone or who may want to have this level of compassion from others as i'm receiving from people. i usually don't take things for granted but at the moment, i don't feel that i should push for more or be nice about things when they're really bothering me. it's frustrating to deal with and this was the reason why there was a time just recently when i wanted to just drop everything.

i sometimes wish things were different & we can all seriously just be friends. as cheesy as this sounds--with respect to application, it's actually harder than it sounds.

(shakes fist at society)