So other than one other person other than my boyfriend asking me through a text how I've been doing and knowing my financial situation lately… someone else finally asked me how I've been lately and what is it that I'm struggling with at the moment… so I spent the last 5 or 10 minutes explaining how things have been for me… basically for the past few months and up to this point.
I'm still waiting for the call from home to let me know what I can do to help. The thing with asian parents and sometimes even individuals themselves, is the pride that it takes for one to admit that they need help. I can account for that pride of not wanting help and showing that I can be independent and pull through myself.
Just recently was I minutes away from getting myself kicked out of this school (once again) but this time, it was because of my own lack of response and poor ability to make use of my time to get things done. I'm pretty much doing the best I can to stay in school, again, on my own, and just trying to work as much as I can to make up for the lost in money that it took out of my own accounts just to make ends meet.
All the same time, I have so much more responsibility to maintain my professionalism and social ties to not let these other burdens get in the way. I think one of the worst feelings is to completely hide myself from others when deep down, I'm not even sure if I should be wasting my time and others'.
For the longest time this whole semester so far, I would sit at meetings, talk with people, and even employers and contribute ideas to things but I wasn't even sure if I was staying up here in Stockton long enough to really contribute all I can. I couldn't hold leadership positions because I didn't want to have to unexpectedly drop out. I couldn't make plans because I wasn't even sure if I was going to stick around. What's worse is that I couldn't even be happy around my boyfriend because I wasn't sure how things were going to work out between us. It sucks so much that we're spending time together doing such fun and outrageous things but in the back of my mind, I'm so sad that I could potentially be away from all of it =( I did turn to my boyfriend to help take my mind off my stresses and I'm not trying to say that he didn't do his job when he's trying to cheer me up but deep down… without even saying it, I think we both understand completely what's going on and what would be the worst case scenario.
There are of course, both good news and bad news.
Good news is that I've been able to get my volunteer hours in at Dameron Hospital. I was rehired as an individual tutor at the Center for Community Involvement and I do have 3 students right now where I'm helping them with precalculus and statistics homework. I was also interviewed and it seemed like I was hired to be the Event Manager for Morris Chapel but I think I need to talk to them again to see what my status is. Also, I was able to talk to my old boss and he told me someone asked him about me for some reference so that I can work for her with aiding her daughter around campus (private/personal job). Yeah… on the job end of things… it's not so bad. My former staff members asked me out to lunch with them tomorrow to catch up and just hang out so I'm honored and actually looking forward to it since I haven't seen them in awhile and I seriously love my old staff members.
On top of it all… I have great friends who are keeping in touch with me and just making my days a little better to deal with… Robert, farmer, van, and here or there, alex just to name a few. My brother really has to take home the gold because with pride set aside, I do feel like we've gotten closer as siblings when he comes to me for advice when I live 300+ miles away and I still go to him and see how he's doing… we're lightly involved in each other's lives but he definitely makes home feel like home for me, and I love him, and miss him so much… things have yet to change about how I feel about my little brother. If you don't get along with my little brother than you don't get along with me.
To end this out of respect for other's situations and to help me realize that there are worst things that are out of my control in this life… I want to recognize the death of one of my best friend's dad. Lisa, for all the years that I've known you and that we've been friends, I've yet to have any memory with your father but to have someone in this world like you, I know that your father was there to help raise and contribute to how you see things in this world and helped you make sense of all your burdens, which you ultimately, more or less, have helped me get through my burdens… so I want to thank both you and him for that. He will be missed by many for as long as you live and I hope that you live your life to the fullest for your family, for yourself, and now your dad who's among others that are looking over you. I love you, lisa.
Best of wishes again to you and your family for going through this
RIP 09.07.09
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