Day Off

From yesterday--

one of the nicest things that someone has ever said to me in a long time (i blame myself for not keeping up with my friends though within the past two weeks):

Hang out with your friends. I know how it is to miss you and not see you for so long.

at least for my guy friends who are really into cars, i have a way to give back to them for putting up with me and keeping me company through talks of nothings and what not. SpoCom 2k10: keep this in mind for next june.

- - -

so i haven't been able to keep a log of where i've been, what i've been up to, and who i've seen but the following still goes:

nobody ever remembers exactly what you said, what you did, or what you looked like--they will always remember how you made them feel.

and i think it speaks the truth, honestly... i can't look back at what i've been doing and tell you exactly what happened but i remember feeling so and so.

- - -

so things have been on the rocks and i'm just trying to keep it cool. for the past two weeks i was able to hang out with my team, show them around, introduce them to my friends when i could and they've grown attached to the few. I've also bumped into old friends at the gym and just a lot of memories and stories shared with updates and things. I've been able to teach classes and just experience what it'd be like to live the life of someone who teaches for a living. All the same time, I did wish that this opportunity was given to those who WANT to pursue dancing as a career. It gave me an opportunity to network and talk more about the Breakthrough dance competition so I'm happy that I can still talk to those who dance and not worry that my inactiveness will break any ties that I do have with any dance affiliates.

yeah... jobwise, i'm still S.O.L. but I'm still hoping with whatever I can get, I get to see him. mixed feelings though.

from a good friend, "i know you like him a lot, i know he likes you a lot. I see it on facebook. I see it on twitter. He's so cheesy to the point I got jealous for a little bit."

i'm not going to speak too much of how much i feel about this situation but it speaks for itself, i guess. whatever happens now, i can or can't fight it. total opposite of a win/win situation... you can only imagine how i'm feeling right now.

i don't want to go back to the lifestyle of dodging those who show interest. i don't want to feel insecure about who i talk to without potentially having them slowly opening up to me with their feelings, as farmer would put it. i hated it how i would get questions of why i was single and how my friends would parade around that i'm available and i should just try things out with someone and see if it works out because they think i would look cute with them or something along the lines of. also not to forget that i'm always stuck in those situations where i would rather lose two friends then having to juggle between hanging out with one and avoiding the other... ugh.

for once i can still have a boyfriend and still hang out with friends without the insecurities of my boyfriend potentially being mad. for once i have a boyfriend who's willing to hang out with his friends and not think that because he's with me that he has to keep me company throughout every hour of the day because he thinks it's the RIGHT thing for a boyfriend to do. it has been such a LONG time since I've introduced someone to every single one of my friends and everytime i'm out and on the phone with him, they've all said hi to him and have even shared little small talks here and there.

i think change should only be for the better even if it involves making sacrifices. i'm willing to make any sacrifice if i know things will be better because if things aren't better otherwise, why would i bother? one thing's still apparent, we won't know if things will get better or not if we don't take that sacrifice and what not... scary thought.

i don't know...

i'm in a situation where i can't fight for what i want because again, it's the opposite of a win/win situation. so what can i do without jeapordizing anything? =\ if i sit and wait it's not because i don't wanna try. i do want to try but in the end, i feel as though it's not my decision.

- - -
tomorrow's father's day and i hope my dad gets all the love he can get in hawaii since i can't be there to thank him for what he's helped me with.

and it's almost the 4th of july. stockton weber point is a pretty hot spot. disneyland has fireworks every night so iono if people are aimed towards there.

for some reason i wish it was christmas right now so i can walk through the neighborhoods where they have those christmas light decoration contests and check out people's creativities. especially going with a close friend and taking pictures with every baby jesus that we walk by =) i miss that night back in high school when i did this with a friend.

to stay or not to stay in stockton for my birthday, fall travel day, thanksgiving, and christmas... (shrugs) i wish i had a bigger family sometimes for more festive holidays but i guess it's something more to look forward to when i have my own family =) to live up to the dream of having a huge family get together with feasts, stories, decorating the house together and all of those things. <3 heartwarming thoughts.

yeah... no major plans for today, i'm gonna try to learn this song by ear on the keyboard cuz i love singing to it.

Brandy - Almost Doesn't Count
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